They're Going Fast!
Whiz Bang's greatest book — The Winter An-
nual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22 — hot off the
press. Orders are now h^ng mailed. There will
be no delay as long &6 (Eg supply lasts. If your
news stand's quota is so!3 cut —
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Or your check, money order or stamps
To the coupon on the back page.
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jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag
and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever
put in print
: Last year our Annual (which was only one-
fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out
on the Pacific Coast within three or four days,
and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the
United States within ten days.
So hurry up ! First Come will be First Served !
Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to
the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.
Don't write for early back copies of our regular issues-
We haven't any left.
America's Magazine of
Wit, Humor and
Vol. III. No. 31
ished \I/ 1_I P awrp ff at Robbinsdale,
thly "• **• raWCeit, Minnesota
Entered as second-class matter May, I, 1920, at the postofiice at
Robbinsdale. Minnesota, under the
Act of March 3. 1879.
Price 25 cents $2.50 per year
ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL
Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part
permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang.
"We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is
loyalty to the American people. — Theodore Roosevelt.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang employs no solicitors.
Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news
stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no
clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a
year in advance.
Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and
dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
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| Drippings From the Fawcett
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THREE weeks of Havana's cliquot, bacardi,
cervesa, horse races, jai alai, casino, and
the rattly-bang-bang, of garbage cans
piercing shrieks of peddlers, not to mention
rip-snorting roaring and exhausted automo-
biles, have had their exhilerating effects on the
usual hum drum existence that has been my
part of living on a quiet Minnesota farm. The
contrast is pleasant although somewhat tire-
some. There's been too much excitement for
the little old editor of this family journal of
Sometime in the dim and distant past I was
told that the most difficult feature in writing
was to transcribe the first paragraph. My
hardest job here is to stay away from the
Scotch and soda long enough to even think
what the first paragraph will look like. How-
ever, with the able assistance of my good old
pals, the Haig brothers, I am at last seated by
a rickety old dining room table in an apartment
overlooking the Malecon, Morro Castle and the
Gulf of Mexico.
Confucius once said: "It is not the wine
that makes a man drunk — it is the man him-
4 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
self." This filosophy applies to Cuba today. I
have seen more "saloons" in Havana and fewer
intoxicated persons than in any city in the
United States, both before and since the adop-
tion of the prohibition amendment.
The easy manner in which we Americans-
can get borie-eyed drunk on a few shots of
moonshine reminds of the Wag Jag ditty about
DeGulick McBlue, psychological stew,
Could always get tight on one small shot or two —
Far from proving his worldliness, toughness and such.
It all went to show that he couldn't stand much.
In Havana it is forbidden by law to kiss your
wife on the gang-plank, in a taxi or other pub-
lic place. The usual fine for violation is $25.
Spooning custom here is quite different, too.
In Cuba every residential window is protected
by iron bars similar to our jails. It is through
these barriers that lovers must cuddle and coo
— at least until he becomes so nervous and
tired from continual standing that he pops the
question. I know it would be rather tough on
some of our Minnesota farmhands if the farm-
ers should adopt a custom similar to Cuba.
THE first thing I learned in Havana was
that the Cubans do not like the Whiz
Bang's traveling correspondent, Rev.
"Golightly" Morrill. Mr. Morrill's name is
anathema to the average native, due undoubt-
edly to the fact that our reverend friend rarely
deals out his views of life with kid glove .. He
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
sees the world from the standpoint of the bet-
terment of humanity and in seeking to attain
his end, strikes out in two-fisted manner.
In republishing a recent Morrill article from
this magazine, a Havana publication takes this
rap at our correspondent:
The Rev. "Golightly" Morrill is still tramping
around the world seeking muck in which to wallow.
After his experience in the West Indies and Central
America it was not to be supposed that he would find
anything very bad to write about, but it seems that he
has discovered familiar iniquities on the beaches of
E chanced into a gringo barroom towards
the close of one evening, lured by broken
melodies of the brass rail gang. Through
the bedlam we could catch swinging tunes of:
I'll never get drunk any more, I'll never get drunk any more,
I'll never enter a barroom door, I'll never get drunk any
I wish I had taken my mother's advice, and married a. nice
And settled dozvn in the old home town, to lead an honest
My father gave me a fortune, I placed it all in my trunk,
But I lost it all a-gambling, one night while I was drunk.
I'll never get drunk any more.
And this one:
IVific says you're crazy, you're drunk, you're blind and can't
That's nothing but a cabbage head the grocer gave to me.
Now ten thousand miles I've traveled, with ten thousand
more to go,
But whiskers on o cabbage head I never saw before.
6 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
EVER since the death of our good neighbor,
Cyrus Hopkins, his lonely widow has
made a conscientious study of spiritual-
ism. The other morning Mrs. Hopkins visited
a Minneapolis medium in the hopes she might
communicate with her late husband. The con-
nection soon was made and the following con-
versation took place:
"Is this you, Cyrus?"
"Are you happy?"
"Happier than when you were with me?"
"Ain't heaven just grand?"
"I don't know, dear. I'm in hell."
HOW, Kind and Forbearing Readers of this
great encyclopedia of Psychic Research,
better known as The Whiz Bang, pause a
moment while Ye Ed relates how Sir Harry
Lauder indirectly caused me much embarrass-
While lunching at the Friars' Club on my
last visit to New York City, I was cordially in-
vited to a big reception at the Hotel Commodore
in honor of Sir Harry Lauder, famous Scottish
comedian. The momentous night arrived and
I donned by "Sunday-go-to-meeting" clothes for
the great event. Please try to imagine my
chagrin and sheepishness when friends who had
called to escort me, very courteously and, I
Captain Billys Whiz Bang
might add, diplomatically informed me that "it
was to be a full dress affair." How in heck
could a horny-handed tiller of the soil be ex-
pected to possess a dress suit? After thanking
my kind auditors in as gracious a manner as
possible, I suggested that probably Sir Harry
might consider overalls more appropriate for
me. Anyway I did not attend the reception.
Next day my Friar friends told me about it and
I was happily regaled with Scottish humor.
The chairman, they said, graciously introduced
Lauder as his "closest friend." Will these jokes
on Sir Harry's thrift never cease?
DURING recent pilgrimages that carried
me east, west, north and south, I ran
across many amusing, although some-
times embarrassing situations. Chief among
them was the constantly manifested surprise
of newly-found friends that there was actually
such a personage, in flesh and blood, as Captain
Here is a fair list of the questions usually
dished out by new acquaintances :
"Why, I supposed the Whiz Bang was only
'kidding' and that 'Captain Billy' was merely
a book name."
"And do you really drink that horrid moon-
"Did you have a hired man named Gus?"
8 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
"Is Pedro your honest-to-goodness pedigreed
"Is there actually a town named Robbins-
"Did a honeymooning couple really leave
their automobile seat with you when they went
to the village constable to report the theft of
It was necessary to plead guilty to nearly
all the allegations heaped on me. Of course,
poor Pedro is no more, he having "kicked the
bucket" last July, and Gus, too, has sorta back-
slid. Gus always was an in-and-outer anyway.
* * *
Gus, my old time hired man, has busted into
poetry again. The old boy must be getting a
whiff of the pine forests about Breezy Point
Lodge. Well, here you go, Gus, — we'll publish
/ am only a poor old wanderer;
I have no place to call my home;
No one to pity me, no one to cheer me,
As friendless and sadly I roam.
It is tramp, tramp along though I'm weary;
To rest through the long, long day;
Through the rain and the snow I mast tramp to and fro,
For ifs the poor tramp's way.
How I long for a place by the fireside,
When the night it is cold, chill and damp;
Vacant places I see, but there's no room for me,
For I'm only a poor old tramp.
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
The Ornery Pups
A traveler in the Tennessee mountains
sought refuge one evening at a wayside cabin.
He had traveled all one chill, April day and
was cold, hungry and footsore. With true
mountain hospitality the old mountaineer in-
vited him to supper, and insisted that he spend
The host made him comfortable before a
huge open fireplace, and set a jug of mountain
dew beside his chair. Also introduced him to
his eighteen-year-old daughter, who was the
only other occupant of the cabin, unless we may
include four lank hounds stretched before the
The old man hastened out to look after his
chores and the girl busied herself in the kitchen.
The cabin was typical of the region, having
two rooms, one containing a bed and two chairs,
and the other serving as kitchen and dining
The traveler, left to himself, took three or
four heavy shots of the moonshine and soon
forgot his weariness and the chill of the April
day. He divested himself of his shoes, settled
himself with a sigh of content, and steamed his
sopping feet in the glow of the fire.
Shortly one of the hounds raised his head,
languidly, and sniffed suspiciously.
He scrambled to his feet, howled mourn-
fully and dived beneath the bed, the others fol-
lowing him as if they had gone crazy. A piteous
10 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
whining and snarling issued from under the
bed for several minutes, and the traveler be-
came alarmed. The dogs must be mad.
He arose and opened the door, and the dogs
shot from under the bed, and through the open
door. Each departed, howling as if St. Nick
was after him.
It was puzzling to say the least.
The comely daughter entered the room
shortly, and the traveler addressed her as fol-
"What is the matter with those dogs?" he
"I dunno," she replied, "Lessem one uv 'em
brung somepin dead indoors. Dad alius kicks
hell out'en the whole passell uv them when they
The Young Gringo
Havana's tropical sunshine, coupled with a, few jolts of
"Ron Bacardi Superior," hath driven ye old cap'n to lyrical
lines of lisping lingo. So I sit me down on my cane bottom
chair with pencil stub in hand to transcribe that famous
Cholo rhyme, "The Young Gringo." The poem has to do
with the proper actions of Americans in Cuba-, and other
The first you must learn is to listen, not speak,
For the one thing we hate is a youngster with cheek,
Shut up from the first; be attentive and meek
When you're next to a hardened old gringo.
And now, from the start, don't mistakenly think,
That to be a good sport you must gamble and drink,
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 11
And play the darn fool: to rise up — not sink —
Is the motto of every right gringo.
But, if you do gamble and never can win,
Don't damn at the dice— box, and kick up a din,
But keep your tongue silent, and switch on a grin,
And pay up your debts like a gringo.
Don't think that love's river continually flows;
But just take a tip from a fellow who knows.
And pay for the water for washing your clothes —
It's cheaper all round for the gringo.
Yet, when you have read this, you don't think I'm right,
And, in spite of the caution, your love-thoughts take flight,
Then take my advice, son; wed something that's white!
It's best in the end for a gringo.
If you happen to take a fair darasel to dine,
Don't squander your money to put up a shine,
But order her beer (though she may ask for wine).
Or you'll sure be a fool of a gringo.
Now, if you must drink, my advice to begin
Is to stick to a whisky and soda ... or gin;
And never forget that the bottle must win,
For it's never been beat by a gringo.
So don't go on thinking your inside's a sieve;
And now there's a piece of advice I would give:
If you ain't good, be careful! . . . and then you may live
To get your grey hairs as a grmgo.
Be slow to offend, and reluctant to blame;
Be quick to forgive; and treat all men the same —
You must hold a Straight Flush in life's little game
To be worthy the name of a gringo.
* * *
'Sa Nice Day, Haintit?
A stuttering man walked up to a boy who
had a parrot in a cage and said, "Ca — ca — can
tha — tha — that parrot talk?"
"Well," replied the boy, "if he couldn't talk
better than you I'd kill him."
12 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
This Sounds Like Bull
A visitor who was stopping at a hotel was
much disturbed by the snoring of one of his
friends sleeping in an adjoining room. Sud-
denly the snore ceased and death-like stillness
oppressed the listener. Thinking that some-
thing had happened to his friend, he went into
his room, and found him sitting up in bed.
The friend said, "I was sleeping with my mouth
open, and I think I have swallowed a mouse."
The hotel doctor was sent for, who adopted
the novel expedient of calling in the services of
the hotel cat, and placed a piece of toasted
cheese some little distance from the patient's
mouth, thinking that the mouse, smelling the
cheese, would come out to eat it and would fall
a prey to the cat. While the remedy was work-
ing, the doctor went downstairs to get a drink,
and the patient fell asleep and resumed his
When the doctor returned the cat was miss-
* * *
Pat was hard at work digging a post-hole,
when the boss strolled by. "Well, Pat," said he,
noting the progress of the work, "do you think
you will be able to get all that dirt back into
the hole again?"
Pat looked doubtfully at the pile of dirt,
and after some thought, said: "No, sor. Sure,
I don't think I've dug the hole deep enough."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 13
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Mirrors of Life and Love
BY PRINCESS BIBESCO
Daughter of Margot Asquith
LOVE — "Isn't that what love means, to fill
ordinary, commonplace conventional things
with magic and significance, not to need the
moon and white scent-heavy flowers at night?
* * * You talk about love. What a
strange, restricted growth it is with you. You
don't know what the real thing means, you
who think passion is bad taste because you
are not tempted, you to whom the physical
side is a degrading extra." * * * When
he was with her now he stammered. He
didn't know that a stammer is the divine
eloquence of love.
PASSION — Passion is no respecter of persons.
She hardly seems to select her victims. How
many a would-be Juliet waits in vain for
those consuming fires her heart is longing
for, while they blaze in the reluctant hearts
of Mr. Adrian Eoses, who only ask to be
left in peace, far from the ridiculous and,
thank God, equally far from the sublime.
Are men in love like this:
14 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
"She was the first person Ee had ever loved.
He had trembled when he touched her. His
spasms of passion had been like spasms of
pain, his face contorted and his voice rough,
and then there had followed intervals of
wretched shyness. When he had thought of
possessing her he had become a saint waiting
for a divine manifestation."
MARRIAGE — "We just are hopelessly unsuited
to each other. Do you seriously think that
you want a wife like me?" * * * "Marriage
will modify you." * * * "Marriage might
modify me if I married the right man. Mar-
riage to you would bring out everything you
hate." * * * "Helena, do you realize that
I love you?" "You don't know what love
means." * * * "Of course I don't. If I
did I might want to marry you."
PROTEST AGAINST REALISM— "What is it
one yearns for? It is to be able to do a thing
for the first time again. And that is im-
possible. When I love, what do I want? I
want never to have kissed, never to have given
myself before. It is in vain, I say — 'Never
before was I awake — I was a dummy in the
hands of fate — now I am alive.' I was shut
up perhaps, but my outer petals were touched.
Oh, my God, make me again the child I was —
but He cannot answer."
DISILLUSIONMENT— What are we to tell
our children? How are they to know that
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 15
iiiiTTiiiimiimmim'iv.riiriimiiirimiimu] mum tiniri milium
the first accidental encounter with life may
take from them a treasure they will only
learn about in forty storm-tossed years?
Those first gifts — those shy blossomings
lovely in their unconsciousness — are surely
but the squandering of something half alive,
the foolish murder of a bud. Oh, youth is a
wicked, cruel thing, eating miracles with its
breakfast and not knowing they are not por-
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS— "I don't want
anything except to be wanted. I long for you
to make ceaseless, impossible demands on me."
THE GOAL OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT—
"All my life I have been teased for asking
not, 'Is she beautiful?' 'Is she clever?' but
always 'Is she happy?' I think it is in many
ways the most interesting thing about a per-
son. * * * Happiness is a light, an atmos-
phere, an illumination. It sets a personality.
I always feel it is a creation that is difficult
for some and easy for others, but essentially
an achievement, never an accident."
* * *
Henpecked and haggard husband asked the
butcher: "What kind of meat have you this
"Some steak as tender as a woman's heart,"
said the butcher.
"I'll take sausage," said the customer.
16 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
By Walter Scott Haskell.
In the place first, I want it understood that I am a
California cousin to a doughboy's cootie.
When first I clapped my binnacle lights on the robust
form of Susanna, I knew that she was my meat, vulgarly
speaking. I loved her very avoirdupois, and that was
going some, as she was no light article. I took her gauge
one evening as we sat in the parlor and I snuggled up
to her in a most friendly fashion. My advances were
met with cold resentment. She did not say a word, but
she jammed my head against her corset in a manner that
bespoke her an amazon of no mean physical power. I
thought my spinal column was broken ; but when she
let go, I breathed a sigh of relief and was contented to
just look at her and nurse my sprained parts. I decided
to use diplomacy, and waited until she had taken herself
to the arbor hammock in the garden to indulge in an
afternoon siesta. I watched around, and when I saw her
eyelids droop and close, her breast heave in regular
breathing as one asleep, I made my way to her side and
bent over her fair face. How my mouth watered for a
bite of her, but I almost feared that she would wake and
lam me in the jaw. Temptation was too strong, however,
and in an evil moment I turned my attention to her roll-
down stocking that showed a goodly proportion of her
nether parts. With a kind of subdued clicking of my
jaws, I put my lips to her bare knee and experienced the
joy of a stolen kiss. It may have been a disgraceful act,
anyway the tickle of my touch awoke her, and she kicked
unmercifully, like a cow that will not be milked. I
ducked and escaped death, with a mouthful of her blood,
the best that I had ever had, for she was my meat, and
I am a California flea.
A summer night and a maid and a man has
frequently caused an early fall!
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 17
She was a pretty and ambitious} girl and
had studied the matrimonial problem to a
"Yes, I suppose I shall wed eventually," she
said, "but the only kind of masculine nuisance
that will suit me must be tall and dark, with
classical features. He must be brave, yet
gentle. Withal he must be strong — a lion
among men, but a knight among ladies."
That even a bow-legged, lath-framed youth,
wearing checked trousers and smoking a cigar-
ette that smelt worse than a burning boot,
rattled on the back door and the girl knocked
four tumblers and a cut glass fruit dish off the
sideboard in her haste to get to him.
* * *
The New Nursery
Dickering, dickering, Doc,
With patients lined up a block,
With fits and conniptions
They wait for prescriptions:
"Liquor me, liquor me, Doc."
—A. J. S.
Long, Long Ago
We like the story from Ralph Neville's
"Mayf air and Montmartre," of the little chorus
lady who, when her rich admirer had bought
her some charming underclothing, said to him
in the shop as they were being packed : "Now
18 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
have a good look at them, for you'll never see
This, of course, occurred in the long, long
ago Victorian days.
* * *
While in Jacksonville I chanced into a Greek
restaurant and of the waiter inquired what
they had for dinner.
Small Stack Medyum
Horn on Eggs
A normal woman would joyously go through
life with a pirate or yeggman who would drug
her with the opiate of flattery, in preference
to hooking onto a nincompoop tango lizard who
refreshes her with eternal, infernal, divinal
♦ * #
"If I die," said the sick man gloomily, ''what
will become of you and the children?"
"Oh, don't worry, darling," replied the little
woman. "I'll soon find somebody to take care
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 19
mnniillliiiiilimilil iriilllliiiimmrmiiimini mui iiiininmm mum m iiillllirililllliiriiitiiiiiiitiiiiiiliiiltn.il imiiiiiiiiiitiiiillMniiiiiimtmtllllliiii
No Offense Here, Paddy
An Irishman while on his way to call upon
his best girl suddenly caught sight of a beauti-
ful parrot in a nearby tree.
He decided it would be just the present for
her. Slowly he drew near the bird and upon
reaching one of the highest branches, was just
about to grab his prey when the parrot,
who had been eyeing him sharply, suddenly
squawked, "Well, what do you want?"
Pat withdrew his hand and humbly made
answer, "Excuse me. Er — I thought you was a
♦ 9 "•&
Let's sing it again :
"And when they asked- her why the 'el she wore it,
Oh, she wore it for her lover who was far, far away."
Now for the chorus:
"Far away, far away, oh, she wore it, etc."
* * *
They arrived home late from the party.
Wife took off her hat and slammed it on the
floor. Then she confronted her hubby.
"I'll never take you to another party as long
as I live!" she said.
"Why?" he calmly wanted to know.
"You asked Mrs. Jones how her husband has
been standing the heat."
"Well, her husband has been dead two
20 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
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Our Puzzle Department
Father and son were licking up moonshine.
"Father," asked the son, "how am I to know
when I'm drunk?"
The old man pointed across the street.
"When those two men over there look like
four/' he responded.
"But father," interrupted the son, "I see
only one man there."
* * *
Let This One Sink In
Lion Tamer — "Step into the cage with the
lion, Rastus, and let the photographer focus
Rastus — "He'd better focus me before ah
goes in there, boss, for he ain't gwine hab no
time to focus me when ah comes out."
* * *
Actors are the bunk. I heard one in Minne-
apolis knocking St. Paul and I applauded him,
and I saw the same actor in St. Paul knocking
Minneapolis and I gave him the razzberry.
* * *
Our Spring Thriller
"I've got you at last," he cried, "move if you
dare, move! It's taken me many years, but at
last I've got you where I want you! Now I
dare you to move!"
"Yep, you're right," replied his friend, "it's
the first game of checkers you ever did win
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 21
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Questions and Answers
Dear Capt. Billy — If your pedigreed bull is a
thoroughbred, why not have him registered? —
No use to register him; he couldn't vote
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy — My wife is getting too
strenuous. The other day she broke a plate
over my head. What would you advise me to
do? — Nyce Boise.
You might try cast iron plates.
^ ^ %
Dear Capt. Bill — Please define love? — Amor-
Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle
sympathy that blends the world into a thing of
joy and pleasure unrestrained.
* * *
Dear Bill — Is "The Eternal Triangle" a play
or a book?- — Innocent Imogene.
It's a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play,
Imogene, in which all humans have at some
time or other enacted a leading part — Adam
and Eve excepted. In fact I feel certain that
neither Adam or Eve ever "Cribbed" in the
22 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
University of Paradise with its rapturous
courses of enchantment. There's a reason.
♦ ♦. Sfc
Dear Skipper — What epidemics were suf-
fered by United States troops during the World
War?— Si Frever.
Spanish influenza and American Shavetails.
Both were rather annoying at times, as any
doughboy will tell you.
* * *
Dear Farmer Bill — Being as how you are a
tiller of the soil, I suppose you're familiar with
the "Black Eye Susan?"— Nick Nack.
No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know
the gentlemen who gave it to her.
* ^ *
Dear Bill — Is there very much difference
in women as a whole 1^—King Young.
They're all alike, young man, except they've
got different names.
* * *
Dear Skipper — What is meant by "The Port
of Missing Men?"— Berry M. Deep.
Ladies' night in a Turkish bath.
* * *
Dear Skipper — Who are the leading Turkish
rulers? — Jack Sellers.
Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf.
$ * 4
Dear Capt. Billy — What is your best defini-
tion of a diplomat? — Phillis Fullabunk.
A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 23
•tiimtimifiiiMitit 11 iii-mi! iiiiiiii-ninirir iiiimiiirriin triiiitfrmmitNtiiriiiiiiiiiumimniiiiiMiiiiiimiim:iiii!immtimiti:ii::i nni'iTtiiritniimitmiuriiimt
gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so
that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is
just getting up.
$ $ $
Dear Capt. Billy — Will you please tell me
who invented apple sauce? — Anna Nyas.
William Tell. He shot the apple off his son's
head and they all had apple sauce for supper.
Dear Captain Bill — Don't you think a
woman is everything in the world? — Tiddle-
Yes, indeed — everything I can think of.
Dear Capt. Billy — What is the easiest way
to drive a nail without smashing my fingers?
Hold the hammer in both hands.
# # -*
Dear Whiz Bang Bill — What is your idea
Of the height of absentmindedness? — Lou Z.
The professor who woke up at daylight and
found a fair lady beside him, much to his
astonishment, having forgotten that he had
married the night before.
4t $ $
Dear Capt. Billy — Can you give me a good
remedy for toothache? — Holey G. Macknaw.
Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a
hot stove till the water boils.
24 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
■immiimiiii'M.t mi iiiiiiiiiiii>iiiitiiiiiiiiii[iiiiiiriiri!iiNiiiiiiitt!iiiii'iiii:iiii[i(!i[iiiiiiii<initlliililliiti
Dear Capt. Billy — What is good to keep
hair in? — Baldy Bozo.
A cigar box.
Preacher — Take up the collection before I
Preacher — Because I'm going to preach on
Sunday School Teacher — "Percy, what must
we do before our sins can be forgiven?"
=!= * *
A well-known actor was introduced to a
chap who didn't strike him particularly because
he was prejudiced against men who talk in
soprano voices. The next time they met he
ignored the fellow entirely. A few days later
he ran across the fellow again, but his face was
The fourth meeting occurred in a cafe, and
he of the soprano voice waltzed up to the dis-
gusted actor's table.
"Do you know," he said, "we have met three
times and you weally haven't noticed me?"
Then with- a sibilant lisp in a high C that no-
body in the cafe could miss, he gave the actor
three little dabs on the shoulder and squeaked,
"Proudie! Proudie! Proudie!"
Captain Billys Whiz Bang
ii iiiuuuiiiii minium n
One day an inspector of a New York tene-
ment house found four families living in one
room, chalk lines having been drawn in such a
manner as to mark out a quarter for each
"How do you get along here?" inquired the
"Very well," was the reply, "Only the man
in the farthest corner keeps boarders."
* * *
Some kind-hearted man of money moves the
motion that Manhattan's mackerel munching
macaroons be deported to Waikiki Beach to
indulge in the popular Hawaiian pastime of
# * #
Another Nut Story
"Mine is a sad case, Lady," said the solemn
visaged inmate of the asylum to the visitor.
"My parents fed me Gripe nuts; made me
sleep up in the garret among the rats, in a
'buggy' bed and beneath a crazy quilt. My
only pet was a squirrel, and my only toys, the
wheels from a cuckoo clock."
And striking a Napoleonic attitude, he
strode out in search of Josephine.
* * *
Oh, Doc Crafts!
Some people are so dry that talking to them
is like chewing a blotter.
26 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
This Ain't Very Hot
The Meanest Man bought his bride a nickel's
worth of candy as a wedding present, then took
her on a trolley ride honeymoon.
After they got off the car he said, "Let's
save some of that candy for the children."
* * *
He got on at Park and sat in the last car.
She got on at Park and sat in the last car.
When he went over the bridge he smiled.
She laughed aloud. At Kendall she crossed
her legs. He crossed his fingers. At Central
he had her phone number. She had his watch.
When they reached Harvard he offered to take
her home. He kissed on the front porch. Then
he went back to Ridgely Annex and cut one
more notch in his shoe trees.
"I guess it's my personality," he thought as
he tumbled into bed.
"I guess it's my smile," she thought as she
tumbled into bed.
Fido, Quit Your Pekin
"Marie is so modest she puts her pet dog out
of the room while she is changing her gown!"
"Well— it's a Pekingese."
* * *
There are two classes of people: those who sit and
think, and those who sit.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 27
illllllil mmtitimiifi i m iiiiiiiiiiiihii iiMliiMiilliliiiilllllllllllillillllillii
The Crap Shooter's Wedding
Preacher — Rastus, do yo' take dis here
woman for better or for worse?
Rastus (from habit) — Pahson, Ah shoots de
* * *
I pressed thy round, full mouth to mine own
I drew the fragrant perfume of thee
My trembling hand about thy slender neck.
With a curse: for I knew
That thou wast empty, little pint bottle.
Knockem On the Kiss
He — Do you like indoor sports?
She — Yes, if they go home early.
* * *
"Will you please insert this obituary
notice?" asked an old gentleman of Pedigreed
Bull Smith of the Minneapolis Journal. "I make
bold to ask it because the deceased had a great
many friends about here who'd be glad to hear
of his death."
* * *
Irish Pot Pourri
As the old saying goes — you'll find no Chinese laundries
where the River Shannon flows.
* * *
If everything we did in life was printed on
our foreheads there would not be so many
reformers out in the daytime.
28 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
limilllllllllillim>."iijtl Ill IIIIII -ml mini'
The Fireless Telephone
In Hades: "Hell-o!"
In Heaven: "Hal-o!"
* * *
"Were you ever pinched for going too fast?"
"No, but I've been slapped."
"Mary, Mary, slightly airy,
How do the fashions go?"
"Piled up hair and shoulders bare
And vertebrae all in a row."
* * *
"Sir," writes a correspondent, "When I was
in Butte I dropped my meal ticket on the floor
and one of those miners with hob-nailed shoes
stepped on it and punched out a week's board."
* * *
Sandy Lost His Ball
Sandy McDugal was a great golf enthusiast.
In many months he never missed a morning.
Then the inevitable happened — Sandy was ab-
sent. His fellow golfers, worried lest Sandy be
ill, sought him out.
They found the old Highlander in appar-
ently good health. Sandy refused to explain
his absence from the course until after vigor-
"Weel," drawled Sandy unwillingly, "if ye
must know, I lost me ball."
% * *
There are two things that I can't under-
stand. A locoed cow and a love-sick man.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 29
iinujimiiutNiiiuiiiiiHiipiuniiimijii mi iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiiifilirillllllillliliiililtliiiilllilllllllliMlirMlllinilllinilllllllllliliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllliiilllilirtliliinii
This Can't Be True
A traveling man had missed his train and
went back to his home. He took his pass keys
out of his pocket, opened the door, and to his
great surprise his wife was sitting on his best
friend's lap, and kissing him.
"Smith, I've set a trap for you and caught
you," shouted the irate husband.
Smith replied, "With bait like this, you can
catch me any time!"
$ * •
On Picket Duty
"That was a striking gown your girl wore
"Yes; that was her union suit."
* * *
When Mrs. Murphy saw her husband hang-
ing in the stable she said, "so that's where my
clothes line went!"
* * *
A Thing of Beauty is an expense forever.
$ :ft :$:
Where Words Failed
The new guard was not familiar with a
certain railway run in Wales. Came a station
which rejoiced in the name of Llanfair-
feshanpwllgogerych. For a few minutes he
stood looking at the sign board in mute help-
lessness. Then, pointing to the board and wav-
ing his other arm toward the carriages, he
called, "If there's anybody there for here, this
is it."— Western Christian Advocate.
30 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
Mr. Harper's Special
A Darky and his brown sweetheart, followed
by three pickaninnies, applied to the clerk of
a Southern court house for a license to wed.
The clerk eyed the assemblage doubtfully.
"Whose children are these?" he asked.
"Dey our'n," was the ready response from
The clerk was scandalized, being new at his
post. "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,
waiting to get married till you have a family
half grown — "
"Jedge, you'll have to excuse dat," inter-
rupted the "bride," sweetly. "De roads out our
way is so bad!"
It's a New One On Us
Elizabeth— Say, daddie, what is that thing
under your nose?
Daddie — Why! That's my mustache. Why
do you ask?
Elizabeth — I just wondered what you called
it. Mamma's got one of them things under her
* * *
Cohen — Ikey, what for you go up dem
shtairs two at a time?
Ikey — To safe my shoes, fader.
Cohen — Dot's right, my son; but look out
you don't shplit your pandts.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 31
in mi mi iJ«iiiiiiimiiiiiMimiii!iimii"""''rHitmiiiui<iiinimiiiii!iiMmiiii u iiiiiimillltMHllilliiliilll
Not First Class
The late Peter Cooper Hewitt, millionaire
inventor of New York, had a very intimate
knowledge of high society in the world's
Mr. Cooper Hewitt, discussing the English
professional beauties of the '80's, said one day:
"A famous, or rather a notorious profes-
sional beauty, visited Constantinople. Her
charms worked havoc among the Turkish
nobility. The sultan himself was smitten.
"At a dinner party on her return, King
Edward, then the Prince of Wales, questioned
her about her Turkish conquests.
" 'You made a great hit with the sultan, I
believe?' he said.
" 'The sultan,' she answered with enthusiasm,
'is a dear. He conferred this decoration on
"And she displayed a jeweled emblem which
glistened on her white bosom royally.
" 'It's the order of virtue,' she explained,
and then, lowering her eyes, she added — 'of the
Did you ever sit in the parlor with your best
girl and hold each other's hands 'til they got
all "perspiry" and then let go and rub off and
get a fresh hold again?
When I die I want to be cremated so I can carry my
remains around in my vest pocket.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
J Ban z g Editorials l
"The Ball is Mightier Than the Ballet."
RECENTLY there came to our notice a
booklet containing what purports to be a
sermon delivered by one Bob Shuler, pas-
tor of the Trinity Methodist Church, Los An-
geles, bearing on its cover the statement that it
is "published in pamphlet form because of the
utter impossibility of securing the publication
of such a discussion through any Los Angeles
Taking for his text, "The Movie Industry
vs. The Public," Rev. Shuler devotes approxi-
mately four thousand words to what seems first
a conviction and then a trial of the only screen
star ever charged with a felony. He says:
"That he was directly and absolutely re-
sponsible for her death, I am certain."
The worthy pastor then proceeds with the
admission that "the attitude of the movie lu-
minaries toward the marriage relation; their
continuous 'souse' in divorce and scandal ; their
quarter of a century of screened sex appeal;
* * * the evident looseness that has sprung
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 33
iMiciiimtiiiiiiiirimitiimiiiiun: tiiiLisiMiniiiiiiMiiiiiimimmiiiiirrimJitimmitmi '
up among them; their booze parties; their
cigarette smoking beauties; their behavior as
reported by scores who live neighbor to their
studios; * * * all has forced me against
my will and over my protest to believe that a
majority of the movie crowd are of the same
stripe * * *."
Having already found him guilty, Dr. Shuler
then asks whether this actor is a fair, fit sam-
ple of a type, and promptly answers his ques-
tion by saying:
"I think you will have no trouble in recog-
nizing that he is a most splendid example of a
type, a most certain sample of a variety of folk
who have decided to be the independent authors
of their own standards of morality or immor-
ality, without regard to or respect for the pub-
On the same day there was brought to us a
copy of a daily newspaper containing about
four thousand words under the heading, "In
Loving Memory of Harry S. Duffield," being
a transcript of an eulogy delivered a few weeks
ago by James Neill at the bier of his brother-
actor and lifelong friend, from which we quote :
"In all these years I never heard from these
dead lips one irreverent oath. His thoughts
were white and his speech was clean. By na-
ture he was devotional. He believed in church
attendance and private prayer, and in the con-
stant reference of daily concerns to Divine
guidance. His reputation for gentle judgment
34 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
of his fellows was well known. Save to report
good of his fellowman, he spoke not at all.
* * * So good-bye forever, dear Harry Duf-
field, our best beloved, and may the dear, gentle
God be very tender with you and give you ever-
lasting peace and rest."
What power is theirs to soften pain, to edu-
cate, to instruct, when sent on some constructive
And what a world of destruction they can
accomplish when their author's purpose is to
gain notoriety through misrepresentation, to
besmirch clean men and women by fastening to
a majority the alleged shortcomings of a few,
and to entirely disregard the command of our
Creator, "Judge not that ye be not judged."
* * *
Marshal Petain, before he married, was once
delivering some pretty frank invective against
marriage in the presence of some friends. He
ended by saying nearly all married couples led
a cat-and-dog life. "But, look here," said one
friend, "that's an absurdly sweeping state-
ment. Besides, cats and dogs don't always
quarrel. Look at those two on your hearth at
this moment. They get on well together." Pe-
tain smiled. "Tie them together and watch,"
* * *
Judge — Are you guilty?
Prisoner — I haven't heard the evidence yet.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 35
A Dish of Pot Pourri
Put on your muzzle, father, here comes the dog
* * *
A man was hit by an automobile in front of
the Whiz Bang News Stand at Sixth Street and
Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis, the other day.
He arose rather dazed and ventured "Where
"Here you are, sir," replied the book seller,
"a map of Minneapolis for ten cents."
* * #
Doctors ought to get wise to themselves and hire some
cabaret singers to entertain their prescription hounds in the
* * *
Kiss me cute, kiss me cunning; kiss me
quick, my daddy's coming.
* * *
Brother, ah's tough; ah's so tough mah
shadow won't walk down the street with me,
an' when ah gargles mah throat ah has to use
carbolic acid an' boilin' water to even feel it.
* * *
You must sleep well, you lie so easy.
36 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
Beg Your Pardon
Our hired man Pete informs us that it
wasn't a six-foot tank of solid concrete that he
dove into, as announced in our last issue, but
that it was a six-foot tank filled with tapioca
* * *
I've heard of a lot of absent-minded guys,
but the one who scratched his hot cake and
poured the syrup down his neck beats 'em all-^
sH * 3*
Whiz Bang's Monthly Motto
Never look a blind pig in the eye.
* * *
He — You were a red head last night.
She — Now I'm a black head.
He — I'll have to squeeze you.
sfc * *
We know a certain "reformer" in Santa AnS
who could make a fortune if he would sell his
pictures for puzzles.
* * *
A Little Cotton Tale
"Really, I seldom cross my feet in a street
"I hardly ever wear silk ones either."
* * *
Heard in a Beanery
Waiter — "One stew for a bum! He has his own
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 37
m;»]MiiiMiitj]iit!iiill]!lu>!ii"iiimiiiiniiiii<iiiiiiiHtiiiti iimm>ii«iii itiiirMMiitit<ii!iiililiil!lfi;iiiiii!njliiiuRttitlin»ii:miiiiii)'-.-!iT>:'v. :!i!!itiTimi!H1IIHIHnillMI|WHMMW
Our Monthly Special
Ashes to ashes, sand to sand; please show
me a butcher that won't weigh his hand.
^ % %
I know a man who refuses to shave until he gets a drink
of good liquor. He is now tripping on his beard.
* * *
Were you ever at sea?
No, madam, I came over from Ireland in a wagon.
How could you cross the ocean in a wagon?
Why, my good women, I rowed over.
% # #
They All Do That
I am wild, wild with glee; because I kissed
my sweetheart, and she slapped me — That con-
vinced me that she loved me.
^ % *£
Woman thinks that man is rude
If he stares at skirt to knee,
But, lady, do you wear it short
Just for other girls to see?
* * *
My girl's name is Niagara. She falls for anybody.
* * &
They shot him with limburger cheese and
then killed him for smelling bad.
:>: * $
He — My father has a rabbit tattooed on his
She — That's nothing. My father has hares
all over his chest.
38 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
imimi i hi iiiuiMiimii 1 1 1 minim i mum wwnim ill I iiiwhiiiii ii hi 1 1 1 m 1 1 1 1 1 111 11 1 1 1 1 1 1 iiiiiii i iiiiii 111 ihbmiiiiiiimiiiiiih i nimwiiwiriiil inn iiihm 1 1 i n llMi 1 1 11 iiiii 1 1 1 1 1 w i«
Memories of the Depot Man
Down on a depot platform,
Bathed in the bleak wintry breeze,
Shy long ago of its contents,
With nothing inside it to freeze;
Shy long ago of its contents,
Drained of its last amber dreg,
Bungless and beerless and friendless,
Stands an empty eight gallon keg.
* * *
She — You married me for love and got it.
Old Foggie — You married me for money and
She — I'll tell the world I earned it.
Truck Driver to Barber
Don't put any of that powder on my face,
see! What ya tink I am, a sissie?
A fashion magazine reminds us that one
way to get away from the city Bustle is to
move to the Outskirts.
* * *
A Home Run
While swimming someone stole his clothes,
so he painted a number on his B. V. D.'s and
ran home like a track man.
Line Up For Mess, Boys
Cora, Cora, I adore you,
And for home I hate to start,
But the beans are ready, Cora,
And the best of friends must part.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 39
iiiiifljitrtuiuniiiiiiiiiiiiiimtmuiniiiiimiiiiiiiiiKimMiiimii:!!!!! Liuimiiiumiiuiiiminiiii HllllimiMlim uimu
pi!iiiiiiin!iiu!i;iiiiniii;ii iiinniiiiiiiiiniiiiiniiiininiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiinnnniniiii inn iiiiiiiiniiiiiinniueiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniuiiiiiiuiniiiiiiiiifliiiiiiiHiiiuiniini
Confessions of a Bride
^^iijj.ji : h;iiiniLi ( jiiiiii[[iii:niiui L!i:iiiin nMn(Ji;it;]iiLJiit!:jniLi iiiinniuL:MiiJ i rii liei [ULiiiruiiii [iMi^i ! L'jjii riMtciii itiMH I ; :-rini riLMnuii i lli iLLiLLC^L^'.^ihiiu;! I n !-[ii![iiint:!i|[iMiii^^P
A Daily Newspaper Raving
CALL UP a steeple-jack today and get
him to paint the flag pole on the
garage," said Warren as he finished his
sixth helping of ham and eggs, and folded the
morning paper preparatory to leaving for the
office. "Why, Warren," Helen exclaimed, "I
can do the job as well "as a steeple- jack, and
the money saved can be used to buy a new
worm for our still; the old one is almost worn
Since Warren's salary had been reduced
from $3,000 to $2,984 a month Helen had
watched every dollar, and the thought of paying
a man 50 or 75 cents to paint the flag pole
caused big tears to form in her eyes and run
down her cheeks into the platter of fried mock
turtle, which was her favorite breakfast dish.
"There, there, little wife, don't cry," pleaded
Warren, placing an arm on her shoulder and
gently kicking her back of the right ear, "We'll
say no more about the matter today, but if I
hear of you trying to climb that flag pole I'll
cave in half a dozen of your ribs" and flinging
40 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
her a kiss he dashed blithely out of the house
and hailing a passing whisky runner's car, was
soon out of sight on his way to work.
Helen busied herself around the house and
tried to keep her mind off of the painting job.
Since they had dispensed with the services of
three maids and there was no one to assist her
with the house work except Bridget, the
Japanese house girl, there was much for her
to do. Getting Baby Winifred ready for school
was the biggest task, and this morning the little
girl was more unruly than ever. Only by
giving her a large glass of potato whisky
mixed with snuff, of which the child was
intensely fond could Helen induce her to stop
breaking the cut glass decanters on the
sideboard, and allow herself to be dressed.
Making out the order for the butcher shop
occupied three hours, and when that was done
it was time for her music lesson, for Helen
never allowed anything to interfere with her
musical education, and at ten o'clock she seated
herself at the Victrola and under the skillful
tutelage of her teacher she was soon able to
play the overture from "Lily of the Alley."
From eleven until two was spent in eating
a light lunch, and then Jacquiline Olson
dropped in to complain about Mabel, Helen's
pet cobra, biting her little boy. The Olson
woman was always distasteful to Helen and
when she requested that the snake be kept tied
up during the summer months, Helen arose
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 41
majestically and with a deft uppercut knocked
her over three chairs into the wood-box, where
she lay moaning feebly and offered no resistance
when Helen carried her over to the window and
dropped her with a crash into the alley.
Most women would have considered their
day wrecked after such an incident, but Helen,
after draining a dipperful of hemlock wine,
dismissed the affair from her mind and started
to repair one of the dining room chairs she had
broken in a friendly argument with Warren
the evening before. After several futile
attempts to make the glue stick she gave it
up as a bad job and flung the chair in the bath
tub where she was certain Warren would not
see it for months. Then the telephone rang
and a deep bass voice informed her that Baby
Winifred had been arrested for throwing rocks
at the statue of Benedict Arnold in front of the
"Well, there's nothing I can do till Warren
comes home," said Helen as she hung up the
receiver and went out in the back yard to dig a
hole to bury the neighbor's bull dog which
Pussy Purr-mew had just dragged in the house.
"I wish the dear thing wouldn't bring home all
the dogs she kills," sighed Helen, "but I suppose
she wants to show me what a good fighter she
After burying the dog, Helen went back to
the house and picking up the latest issue of
Naughty Stories, soon was so interested that
42 Captain Billy's Whiz Bony
she did not hear the voices of the men at the
front door when they brought Warren home
from the office, drunk, and dumped him on
the front porch, where he lay until she stumbled
over him an hour later.
By this time Warren was sober enough to
eat supper, which he did in a silence only
broken when he inhaled the soup and drank his
"Why don't you talk to me?" Helen
demanded toward the end of the meal. "Don't
sit there like a dummy and never say a word.
Men are such brutes!" And throwing herself
behind the kitchen stove she wept bitterly.
* * *
The Victor Dog sat on a talking machine
and the record ran so fast, that the dog's head
caught up with his tail, and he didn't have room
to pass "His Master's Voice."
* * *
Olaf had a little dog,
'Twos free from fleas and sins;
One day it squeezed right through the fence,
And barked — its little shins.
* * *
My girl's ears are so large that if you were
to look at her from the back you would swear
she was a loving cup.
* * *
As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it?
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 43
riiiumiiiiii Mt>i!!ii!MiiiiiimiMii(iiimtimiirmiimi!iNiiii:.:< ■ iiur.m'ii
giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiii mniimmmiminiiiini iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiimiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiniiiniiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
In the April issue Snwekhouse Poetry feats will be
treated to an old classic, "Absolution," by Nesbit.
"But the Priest's duty bade him seek her out
And say, 'My child, why dost thou sit apart?
Hast thou some grief? Hast thou some secret
Come and unfold to me thine inmost heart." * * *
And as the dim east brightened, slowly ceased
The zvild devotion that had filled the priest —
And with full sunlight he sprang up — a man ! * * *
"Oh, lips so quiet, eyes tltai will not see!
Qh, clinging hands that not again will cling!
This last poor sin may well be pardoned thee,
Since for the right's sake thou hast done this
thing." * * *
Night After Night
Night after night the cards were fairly shuffled
And fairly dealt, but still I got no hand.
The morning came, but I with mind unruffled
Did simply say, "I do not understand."
Life is a game of whist: from unseen sources
The cards are shuffled and the hands are dealt.
Vain are our efforts to control the forces
Which though unseen are no less strongly felt.
44 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
The Kid's Last Fight
Us two was pals, the Kid and me;
Twould cut no ice if some gayzee,
As tough as hell jumped eithei one,
We'd both light in and hand him some.
Both of a size, the Kid and me,
We tipped the scales at thirty-three;
And when we'd spar 'twas give and take,
I wouldn't slug for any stake.
One day we worked out at the gym,
Some swell guy hangin' round called "Slim,"
Watched us and got stuck on the Kid.
Then signed him up, that's what he did.
This guy called "Slim" he owned a string
Of lightweights, welters, everything;
He took the Kid out on the road,
And where they went none of us knowed.
I guessed the Kid had changed his name,
And fightin' best ones in the game,
I used to dream of him at night,
No letters came — he couldn't write.
In just about two months or three
I signed up with Bucktooth McGee,
He got me matched with Denver Brown,
I finished him in half a round.
Next month I fought with Brooklyn Mike,
As tough a boy who hit the pike;
Then Frisco Jim and Battlin' Ben,
And knocked them all inside of ten.
I took 'em all and won each bout,
None of them birds could put me out;
The sportin' writers watched me slug,
Then all the papers run my mug.
"He'd rather fight than eat," they said,
"He's got the punch, he'll knock 'em dead."
There's only one I hadn't met,
That guy they called "The Yorkshire Pet."
He'd cleaned 'em all around in France,
No one in England stood a chance;
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 45
And I was champ in IT. S. A.,
And knocked 'em cuckoo every day.
Now all McGee and me could think,
Was how we'd like to cross the drink,
And knock this bucko for a row.
And grab a wagon load of dough.
At last Mac got me matched all right,
Five thousand smackers lor the figfat;
Then me and him packed up our grip,
And went to grab that championship.
I done some trarnin' and the night
Set for the battle, sure was right;
The crowd was wild, for this here bout
Was set to last till one was out.
The mob went crazy when the Pet
Came in, I'd never seen him yet;
And then I climbed up through the ropes.
All full of fight and full of hopes.
The crowd gave me an awl'ul yell,
('Twas even money at the bell)
They stamped their feet and shook the place;
The Pet turned 'round, I saw his face!
My guts went sick, that's what they did.
For Holy Gee, it was the Kid!
We just had time for one good shake,
We meant rt too, it wasn't fake.
Whang- went the bell, the fight was on,
I clinched until the round was gone,
A beggin' that he'd let me take
The fall for him — he wouldn't fake.
Hell, no, the Kid was on the square.
And said w< had to fight it fair,
The crowd had bet their dough en us —
We had to fight (the honest cuss).
The referee was yellin' "break,"
The crowd was sore and howlin' "fake,"
They'd paid their dough to see a scrap.
And so far we'd not hit a tap.
46 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
iitiiumiuiiiiuintiiiiiniiiniiiiitiiiiiiiniiiniHiiiiiiiii i iiiiiiniiii.'.itii- »■ nil uiiimmiiixm n jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiininiimiimiiiiiiiiiiiin uitinniin
The second round we both begin,
I caught a fast one on my chin;
And stood like I was in a doze,
Until I got one on the nose.
I started landin' body blows,
He hooked another on my nose,
That riled my fightin' blood like hell,
And we was sluggin' at the bell.
The next round started, from the go,
The millin' -we did wasn't slow,
I landed hard on him, and then,
He took the count right up to ten.
He took the limit on one knee,
— A chance to get his wind you see;
At ten he jumped up like a flash
And on my jaw he hung a smash.
I'm fightin' too there, toe to toe,
And hittin' harder, blow for blow,
I damn soon knowed he couldn't stay,
He rolled his eyes — you know the way.
The way he staggered made me sick,
I stalled, McGee yelled "cop him quick!"
The crowd was wise and yellin' "fake,"
They'd seen the chance I wouldn't take.
That mob kept tellin' me to land,
And callin' things I couldn't stand;
I stepped in close and smashed his chin,
The Kid fell hard, he was all in.
I carried him into his chair,
And tried to bring him to for fair,
I rubbed his wrists, done everything,
— A doctor climbed into the ring.
And I was scared as I could be,
The Kid was starin' and can't see;
The doctor turned and shook his head,
I looked again — the Kid was dead!
* * *
Just because you ow-n an Ingersoll watch is no indica-
tion you're a horological expert.
Captain Billys Whiz Bang 47
The Rolling Stone
The reason I never can quit the road
Is a reason that's plain and clear;
It's because no matter where I may stop
And whether it's far or near,
There is a place beyond the place I am
Wherever I may be at,
And then beyond is a place beyond,
And the world beyond all that
And as long as a man has eyes to see
And a brain that wants to know,
I figure there are things he's bound to miss
If he doesn't go on and go.
For there's always a place beyond that place
I happen to hand my hat;
And another place beyond that place
And the world beyond all that.
* * *
"Did you hear the one about the mouse-
"Well, ifs snappy."
* * *
A fool and his honey are soon mated.
* * *
"I'm glad my affairs are rounded into good
shape" said the pretty young thing as she
pulled on her stockings.
You Can't Tamper
Heard about the classy new neckwear for
trainmen? They say these railroad ties are
quite the rage.
* * *
"Is she a very modest girl?"
"Very — she won't even look at the weather strip on the
48 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
"Let me kiss those tears away!" he begged
She fell in his arms, and he was busy for
the next few moments. And yet the tears
"Can nothing stop them?" he asked, breath-
"No," she murmured; "it is hay fever, you
know. But go on with the treatment."
* # *
Encore Ha Ha
Mr. Jones had recently become the father
of twins. The minister stopped him in the
street to congratulate him.
"Well, Jones, I hear that the Lord has
smiled on you," he said.
"Smiled on me!" repeated Jones. "He
laughed out loud at me."
* * *
A Colorado Egg
While a Denver physician was inspecting
the insane hospital at Pueblo an inmate ap-
proached him and asked: "I beg your pardon,
sir, but have you a piece of toast?" "No," re-
plied the doctor, in surprise, "but I can get a
piece if you want it badly." "Oh, I wish you
would. I'm a poached egg and I want to sit
* * *
Jockey thrown in first race at New Orleans:
"Let Zybszko ride him."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 49
A Startling Exegesis
At a colored camp meeting in Lousiana the
following sermon was delivered by a very black
old darky, wearing huge spectacles:
"Brethren and Sistren, de preachifying dis
mawnin' will be from de text on de 10 virgins.
De bridegroom war a-coming and 'spectin' dem
10 virgins to be ready wif dere lamps all
trimmed and a-burnin', but, lo, when he was
come he done foun' dat on'y five of dem virgins
war ready; yessir, five was trimmed and five
was ontrimmed; five was wise and five was on-
wise; five was ready and five was onready; five
was male and five was female." — Harper's
Magazine. * * *
Must Be Dr. Cupid
"I don't like your heart action," said the
doctor, applying his stethoscope.
"You've had some trouble with angina pec-
toris, haven't you?"
"You're partly right, Doc," answered the
young man, sheepishly. "Only that ain't her
name." — Pathfinder.
£ $ £
Roll 'Em Out Kid
When I was farmin' in North Dakota I
raised spuds an' one day I went out to see how
my spuds was comin'. The patch was right on
a side hill. Well, sir, do you know that when
I pulled up that vine two bushels of spuds
rolled out of that hill before I could plug up
50 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
iiiitiiiiniHHnniwtiniiiTinmtitmiiittiitiiHiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiliilllliiitmilfiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiim'iiiitiiiniiiiutH mi iiiimiimiHimiiHimiiiiiiiiiiiiimmwmtiiimtRM
The Piping Costs
The colored minister had just concluded a
powerful sermon on "Salvation is Free" and
was announcing that a collection would be
taken. Up jumped a brother in the back of
the church. "If salvation is free," he inter-
rupted, "what's the use paying for it? I'm
going to give you nothing till I find out.
"Patience, brother, patience," said the par-
son. "I'll illustrate. Suppose you were
thirsty and came to a river. You could kneel
right down and drink, couldn't you? And it
would cost you nothing, would it?"
"Of course not. That's just what I — "
"That water would be free," continued the
parson. "But supposing you were to have that
water piped to your house, you would have to
pay, would you not?"
"Yes, sir, but—"
"Well, brother, salvation is free, but it is
the having it piped to you that you got to pay
for. Pass the hat, sexton."
* * *
IT WAS rather quiet at the postoffice the
other day and outside of the Whiz Bang
mail our genial postmaster, Bud Nasset,
sorted out only two letters. The first one was
addressed to Deacon Miller from his son, read-
ing as follows: "Dear Father — I am in jail.
Son." The Deacon's answer was the other let-
ter, "Dear Son— So am I. Father."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 51
Chinese Nightmare Cities
BY REV. "GOLIGHTLY" MORRILL
Pastor People's Church, Minneapolis, Minn.
ALL aboard for China, the country of Con-
fucius and chop suey! At Canton a won-
derful spectacle took place at the wharf.
A sampan man had beaten his wife and thrown
her on the dock where she sat and chanted in a
monotonous voice while a hundred coolies gath-
ered round and watched the interesting cere-
mony. She referred to her husband and his an-
cestors, then scraped up a little pile of dirt,
spat on it, molded it into the image of a man,
addressed it with a few words, suddenly knelt
and foully insulted it, and so eased her con-
science, balanced the books of honor and "saved
From the Hotel Victoria in the Shameen, or
Foreign Quarter, two cadaverous coolies car-
ried me in a coffin-shaped sedan chair across
a stinking canal into native Canton. My guide,
Ah Cum, led the way. The streets were so
narrow and the show windows so near that 1
could have been a shoplifter with both hands.
If hungry, there was a free lunch counter ex-
52 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
tending along the streets with tea and rice, live
fish, glazed ducks, gory pigs, a choice assort-
ment of fresh entrails, some dead dogs and rats,
crates of yowling cats, and huge pots of slimy
soup thickened with animal, vegetable and
other matter that would make the Witches'
Cauldron in "Macbeth" look like a cup of con-
somme in comparison.
At the Temple of the Five Hundred Genii,
where the prayers of the holy had given way
to the harangues of the politicians, I saw a
gilded statue big as life of the first European
globe-trotter to China, Marco Polo. Such a
traveler was a novelty then, but now is a nuis-
ance. I went by old walls whose painted
dragons the new Chinese had wiped out; by
temples whose only occupants were a few sec-
ond-hand gods and bats; took time to visit the
water-clock tower where drops of water instead
of grains of sand mark the time of China's
millions towards the grave; passed through
gates of the old city wall to the hillside where
hundreds had been shot; looked into the grave-
yard where the poor common people rest after
life's fitful fever, while the restless rich, who
shunned them in life, lie apart from them in
the City of the Dead.
Like mummies in a museum, they sleep un-
bni'ied in their rich caskets and await the
giT.fting geomancer, that oriental undertaker,
who promises the relatives to find some place
in the ground undisturbed by the Great Dragon.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 53
By the religious milestone of the five-storied,
weedy, seedy Pagoda, whose oracles are dumb,
I headed for the Execution Grounds in the pot-
tery district where the sharp sword had sent
many a man back to his original clay.
China is becoming civilized now and stands
her criminals up against a wall and shoots
them. Here was a narrow alley lined with
earthen pots covered with mats, under which
were fleshless skulls. One of them seemed to
look imploringly at me, and I picked it up.
Alas, some poor Chinese Yorick ! I was anxious
to see the man who struck the fearful blows,
and Ah Cum called the executioner who came
out with a knife estimated to have cut off 300,-
000 heads in thirty years. There is a death
here by "seventy-two cuts," but one from his
sword was enough.
Bayard Taylor said China was a good place
to leave, and I was not very sorry when the
whistle blew to east off and say good-bye to the
city of dreadful sights, sounds, suffering and
smells. Leaving the grotesque outline of an old
fort, a little island stained by some dark mur-
der, a place where pirates had scuttled a ship,
a picturesque Pagoda looking like an eight-
story Easter bonnet, Grecian-bend shaped junk-
boats and sampans like big, broken barrels
floating along, we sailed down the Pearl River
and at midnight reached the Portuguese town of
Macao. On deck we were surprised to find the
officers embracing the coolies. Were they try-
54 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
mmitllUII imiiiiiijiii MM MumiiiiiiiiiiitiiKJJiimiiiiimniiiimitmilimiiti iiwmii
ing to relieve them of their hard-earned spoils
of fan-tan which they had won during the
night? No, the honest officials were only
searching for concealed arms, but found only
those which Nature had allowed and provided.
An illuminated sign, "First-class Gambling
House," drew my attention. Gambling, next to
loafing and the manufacture of opium, is the
principal occupation of the youngest and oldest
inhabitants. Macao is the Oriental Monte
Carlo. Gambling here is backed by the govern-
ment which gets back a certain per cent of the
earnings which it invests in hospitals, asylums
and cheap lodgings for the people who have
been beaten at the game. At this gambling-
hell one could play at the big table downstairs,
or drop into the game by lowering his money
in a small basket from the balcony above. Tired
of the game, the player recuperates his wasted
energies here by eating bird-nest soup and
shark-fins, or drinking Portuguese wines. If
he is sleepy, he may take the opium-pipe train
of thought to the Flowery Land where every-
day is Sunday.
At a "song-parlor" some Chinese dolls
amused us with their squeaky voices and knife-
scraping music. It sadly recalled my visit to a
Hongkong house of pleasure whose almond-eyed
inmates illustrated Confucius' remark that
"women had no souls," and the Chinese phi-
losophy which attributes death and evil to Yin,
the female principle in Nature. Their artifi-
Captain Billy s Whiz Bang 55
daily whitened and rouged faces were ghastly,
and their flower-and- jewel-bedecked hair glued
down to the skull was anything but attractive
to an Occidental eye. Their lips were red like
the dawn of day, their complexions like con-
gealed ointment, and their betel-nut-stained
teeth like black watermelon seeds. They un-
furled painted fans, sipped tea, nibbled sweet-
meats, puffed at opium-pipes, and looked quite
flowery in their blue collars, purple tunics and
bright green trousers. I wonder if the men,
whom they were entertaining, remembered the
Chinese proverb, "There is no such poison in
the green snake's mouth or in the hornet's sting
as in a woman's heart."
After visiting next day a firecracker fac-
tory, temples, joss-houses, and a tobacco plant
where little children and old women were at
work sorting the leaves, I was conducted to
Macao's notorious opium factory. I entered a
low-ceiling room where men were stripped to
their waists like blacksmiths at the forge. They
picked up the crude opium, shaped like a cocoa-
nut shell, scooped out the chocolate-looking sub-
stance, threw it into a kind of brass wash-basin
under which roared the fire, until it steamed
and blubbered like a pot of hot mush or molas-
ses. They darted here and there like imps with
these pans. Then the liquid was poured in por-
celain boxes of various sizes. The whole place
seemed like a Devil"s smithyshop where chains
were being forged for lost souls. The odor was
56 Captain Billy s Whiz Bang
>iiiiii:i:;iiimiM!itfijjimiriii rum iimiiir uiniriiiiniiMutmr i:iiittttTtmimtrmiinii
peculiar and penetrating. I must have ab-
sorbed some of the dope, for I felt dizzy and
was glad to get outside in the fresh air.
There is no more melancholy sight, in China's
teeming nightmare cities, than a drug-befud-
dled victim staggering out in the early dawn
from some hasheesh house and tumbling down
in the street where he dreams he is in the
Celestial City with his ancestors. When he is
rudely awakened by a hungry rat gnawing his
hand or foot, the golden vision vanishes. In the
cold light of the morning, racked with nameless
pains, he crawls off to work at some mean job,
hoping to make enough for another night's
opium dream in which to forget the hell of this
* * *
Be An "I Can" Giant
As on through Life's journey we go, day by day,
There are two whom we meet, at each turn of the way.
To help or to hinder — to bless or to ban,
And the names of these two are "I Can't" and "I Can!"
"I Can't" is a dwarf, a poor, pale, puny imp,
His eyes are half blind and his walk is a limp.
He stumbles and falls, or lies writhing in fits,
And for those who would help him plants snares and digs pits.
"I Can" is a giant, unbending he stands,
There is strength in his arms, and skill in his hands,
He asks for no favors, he wants but a share
Where labor is honest and wages are fair.
$ $ $
"Now, let's stick together, boys," said the
first of three flies as they lit on the piece of
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 57
An Immediate Saving
Ikey kicked in the bathroom door and dis-
covered Rebecca dead in the bath tub. For a
moment he gazed horror stricken, then rushed
to the head of the stairs and shouted to the
maid, "Mary, Mary!"
"Yes, sir," answered the shixa.
"Only von egg for breakfast dis morning,
^ * ♦
Ad In Theatrical Paper
Engagement wanlted. Small part, such as dead body
or outside shouts.
* * *
Father got his hand blown off. That was a terrible sin.
It could have been worse if it was the hand that he had his
"Paris is falling," delicately hinted the
maiden, as her escort's garter snapped and fell
over his shoe-top.
* * *
"Trash!" exclaimed the president of the Ash Men's
Union, as the secretary finished reading the reports.
f * # *
Lady went into a store and asked for a
camisole. "What bust?" asked the salesman.
"I didn't hear anything," she replied.
* * *
Tell the truth and shame the family.
58 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
They Shot Spitballs
A good story is told on our old friend
Colonel Luce of the Minnesota National Guard.
Two battalions of the Colonel's regiment were
staging a sham battle at their summer en-
The defending forces took possession of a
small hill overlooking a river and destroyed
the only bridge by the simple method of tack-
ing up a notice on it stating that they had done
so. As a result it was quite a surprise to them
to see the attacking forces swarming across
the bridge, making extraordinary motions in
front of them with their hands.
"Hold on there, men!" shouted the Colonel's
aide from the observer's post, "you can't cross
that bridge. It has been blown up."
"Tuhel with that!" retorted the Major of
the other side, "we're not crossing it, can't you.
see we are swimming the dang river?"
* * *
Let's Now Sing
I love a lassie,
She's naughty, but,
The Morning Mail
When we were in the army we used to read
"The Daily Undershirt."
sK ♦ 41
A woman's beauty is always a liability,
although at times considered a big asset.
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 59
iii;:»iin n mi nun i in :■:■.:.:.; ;.. !.. i,. ;: f .ii!ulf-"iui nil n m minimi' !;;..!; Ill, iiiiillimillilimililll 111. .mill, ilH
Jpnjuiirrrtiiiiii i riiir ':: linn 1 1 rrri-n n iirt[::niii rr-::: 1 !! ; i liirni I riri-iij 1 1 mi i ; j ■ ; I ! : niiri: ■: 1 1 : r; 1 1 1 ! r'l 1 1 li; : i i i r f ■! 1 1 ir'i:! 1 1 n nil 1 1 [s:m ; i i ; i : ! : n ! ^:;m 1 1 1 ni! ; 1 1 :m i i : niiiiifg
We'll Take the Solar System
(Prom the L. A. Times)
Personal — Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business
or will assume domestic work for opportunity in' music and art.
Prefer aged person financially able who would appreciate ray of
sunshine. Address MP.
* * *
One "Bier" Makes a Jolly Party
(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald)
An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters,
Miss Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral
Tuesday, and put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had
a jolly fine time.
Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer
(Prom the Peoria Journal)
Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young
farmer, like one with car, for pastime and results. Adldress C.
A., care Star.
% *£ %
It's Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point
(Adv. of Chicago Beach. Hotel)
Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very
* * *
Has Your Wife Gone to the Country?
(From the Denver Post)
Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any
proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must
earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers
confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get It.
60 Captain Billys Whiz Bang
uiuusiiii- i ■■■■' '"'iiUiliiiiiimnHiuxtiiiiiiitiiiiimiiiiiHitii
One at a Time
Years ago when W. A. McConnell was man-
ager of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet
parrot which was kept in the box office. Dur-
ing a "big run" the ticket seller was wont to
say, "Get in line, please; one at a time, one at
a time, gentlemen."
The bird escaped one afternoon, and
McConnell commissioned some boys to find it,
which they did on an old tree in a nearby park,
where several crows were making its feathers
fly. McConnell asked if the bird said anything
and the leader of the boys replied: "Yes, he
said, 'Get in line, please; one at a time, one at
a time, gentlemen.' "
* * *
We Should Worry
The porch was dark. The hour was late.
The couple sat whispering among the shadows.
"Mary," called a voice, "it's time for you to
"Come in, Mary."
Still no movement.
He asked: "Don't you mind your mother?"
"Not unless you do, Jimmy."
* * *
Here's Lookin' Atchew!
Boy — "What is a grass widow?"
Father — "A woman whose husband died
with the hay fever."
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang . 61
Something to Worry About
Among the things you read about but never
see is a crease in a fat man's trousers.
* * *
"Along the Road"
I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
* * *
Broadway's Leg Lane
(From New York Times)
HOMELESS HUSBANDS — If you want a friend, a pal — a
WIFE!— look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND
NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex
and shekels — surely not in the endless procession of poppy-
painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an
O'Shanter witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat-
gaited; so short that these bogus beauties have turned the most
beautiful Avenue of the world into a mere leg lane — a free rival
of the sash-clad ladies of a Broadway burlesque.
* * *
These Were the Good Old Days
"Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See
for yourself. And we all paid the two bits and
saw a jackass."
Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol.
Any relation to Lysol?
No, Ingersoll. Watch me!
* - i *
Torch Pulls This One
It's a long road that has no roadhouse.
62 Captain Billy's Whiz Bang
i:iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilHUiii]iiiiuiiiiii(iiimiiiiiiififtiiiMiiiitiiiiiiii!(iiiiiiinmifiiiimiiiiiiiniiinti riiimiiiii: minimum. imtiiiiiitiiumim iriiiiinimiiiiiiiiiiiiiimiiiiiiiiiiii
Our Rural Mail Box
Bridget — Better put on your woolen socks,
Bridget, or you will catch cold in your lungs.
* * *
Andy Gump — A continuous buzzing noise in
your ears is not always a sign of serious mental
trouble, or any other illness. It is probably the
first indication that your wife needs a new hat.
Sweet Marie — You are mistaken, Marie.
The Scottish Highlanders are not members of
the Middlesex Regiment.
* * *
Weeping Winnie — Cheer up, Winnie. You
are overdosed on pessimism and, in retrospec-
tion, I feel sure you have presented a very sad
aspect to the cynics of humanity.
Queen Liz — Your singing lessons may keep
the wolf away from the door, 'tis true, if the
wolf hears you.
* * *
"You can't pick me up — I'm not of that
metal," said the piece of glass to the bar mag-
Captain Billy's Whiz Bang 63
ttiiriniii DiQHflminnnnimmflHHmiiiti imnii m imnniiitininiQiuitiinmnmiumiiiDiti iiuuiniMUiiiiHtiiniHniNniimiiiiiintiiniiu i m i imiiiiti i ■iihiim [tfliiumiiniiunM
Naughty Nellie — Where does your lap go
when you stand up?
# * #
Willie Zatso — It is considered bad manners
for children to stick their elbows out when cut-
ting their meat at dinner. You might make
your father cut his mouth.
* * *
A knock-kneed man walked down the street. Said
the right knee to the left knee, "If you let me get around
"this time I'll let you get around next time."
* * *
I saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit down the
hill and it was so hot the dog and rabbit were
both walking. (Lie down, Fido, you're all wet.)
♦ ♦ ♦
We Clipped This
"I've got that down Pat," said Mrs. Flani-
gan, as she gave her son a dose of castor oil.
# * *
Bob — "You look sweet enough to eat."
Gert— "I do! Where shall we go?"
* * *
Frank Adams in a recent Cosmopolitan
story describes the modern dance thusly:
"If there wasn't any music they would be
My head is dizzy,
My eyes are getting sore,
That's all for this issue,
There ain't any more.
Drippings from the Fawcett
Gikl in Blue Velvet Band
Face on the Barroom Floor
Frankie and Johnnie Blues
Shooting of Dan McGrew
Wedding of the Persian Cat
Ace in the Hole
Booze Fighter's Dream
Diary of a Divorcee
Fable of the Bull
Highty Tighty Aphrodite
How to Kiss Deliciously
Hunting the Wily Pole Cat
Our Own Fairy Queen
Tool House on the Farm
The Old Smokehouse
Questions and Answers
Gila Monster Route
Pasture Pot Pourrj
Hooch Cure Blues
After the Raid
Little Red God
Naughty But Nice
To the Girl
Rural Mail Box
Tired Hired Man
Life's a Funny Proposition After All
256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early
editions of Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang. Stories,
toasts, poems, drippings tmd pot pourri
comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.
Only a Few Left
If your newsdealer's supply is exhaust-
ed, pin a dollar bill, or your check, money
order or stamps to the coupon below and
receive this peppy collection.
Enclosed la dollar bill, check, money order or stamps
for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annua?
of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, "Pedigreed Follies of
Whiz Bang is on sale
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single copies; on trains
30 cents, or may be
ordered direct from
the publisher at 25
cents single copies;
two-fifty a year.
One dollar for the